How to treat us when we are depressed…

Partners, family members and friends are often at a loss as to how to treat someone who is going through a depressive episode. It often seems that everything they say or do is the wrong thing. And we don’t help much either by withdrawing into silence or becoming irritated and snapping at everybody around us. Is it little wonder that our families feel like they have to walk on eggshells when one of “those moods” hits us. It is not unusual for these bouts of depression to keep reoccurring for years and it is understandable that our loved ones can at times resent our suffering, which they also have to endure indirectly. Someone once told me that my depression has been going on for so long that they are sick and tired of it and it was about time I got over it. Maybe not the most empathetic remark, but it does demonstrate how exasperating depression can be for those around us.

We know better what we don’t want. We don’t want to be told that we should “snap out of it”, because believe me, if we could “snap out of it” we definitely would. It is no fun being in a depressive episode. It is not the best time to bring up relationship issues and how we are failing in our support and duties. We know all too well where our shortcomings are and we reprimand ourselves often enough for them. You don’t have to pour oil on the fire. It is also not a good idea to compare us to others and then be told how well they are coping in similar maybe even worse circumstances. Everybody’s coping mechanism is different. Some can take anything life throws at them, others struggle with every new challenge. Most of all we don’t want to be isolated and treated as if we had some kind of contagious disease. Please don’t withdraw your love and presence.

So what do we want when we are depressed? What do we expect from others? The simple answer is that most of the time we don’t know either what we want or what would help us. We want closeness, yet we still want distance. A hug never goes astray. We want love, affection, but we don’t want someone gushing all over us. A walk in the neighbourhood or along the beach would give us a chance to sort out our thoughts. Or just lying down with us and talk about trivial things could help us to shift our focus outwards. However, we want to be allowed to feel our down feelings without being made to feel guilty. We want acknowledgement that this is hard and that - although it may not look like it - we are doing our best. Just being there, giving us company while we are dealing with our demons helps a lot. A small gesture of reassurance that shows us we are still loved and wanted goes a long way too. And telling us that you are not giving up on us, even if we are, makes us aware that there is something to live for and life is still precious. We need to feel that someone is close enough to catch us when we fall.


When I am in a depressive episode I often seek the company of my pets. My cat just sits there with me, purring and being close without crowding me and supporting me with silence. In her presence I can let go of the anguish, I can cry out my pain, let the tears flow if I have any left. I don’t need to feel ashamed or that I have to put on a brave face. Her look of compassion tells me that she understands and she will wait patiently with me for however long it takes for me to go through my inner darkness and start to climb up again.

I often think that the people could learn a lot from their animals.

The Stigma of antidepressants

Many people simply refuse to even consider taking antidepressants despite the fact that they are seriously struggling with their moods. If a doctor, family member or friend suggest that an antidepressant might help getting over the rough bits, they not only get angry, but also feel insulted. How dare anyone insinuate that they need “shrink-pills”!
Males are particularly reluctant to consider medication. They see it as wimpy and not something a real bloke does. Often they will strenuously deny that they have a problem. “Just a bit low, that’s all, mate” they’ll say and wear their hard-nosed approach to their frequent mood swings, irritation and snappiness like a badge of honour. In the meantime their family will be walking on eggshells.

Unfortunately the still widely held public opinion that suffering from depression is due to some sort of personal weakness is preventing many people from seeking help. The stigma attached to antidepressants is even more pronounced and the people who do take antidepressants are often very hesitant to admit it to friends for fear of being ridiculed. I take antidepressants. Am I ashamed of it? No. I have the same attitude to taking antidepressants as I have towards taking medication for a migraine. If there is something that will alleviate my pain why should I refuse to take it? That would be stupid.

I see this all in the context of what I want in life. Do I want to go through life having to struggle with my moods every step of the way and hardly making any progress at all? Do I want to spread the suffering of depression to my partner, my children and the people around me? Do I want to set them up to one day also suffer from depression because I am forcing them to live with my depression? Do I want to be consumed by the thoughts and emotional anguish of depression 90% of the time every day, every week, every month and every year? Do I want to function only at 10% of my capacity because I refuse to take antidepressants? Do I want to waste my entire life and future and give up on my dreams, sacrifice all the things I could be achieving because I need all my energy to keep myself from drowning in my depression?

I have answered “No” to all these questions and antidepressants have become one of the many tools that help me manage my depression. Today, my depression only takes up a fraction of my time and then only periodically. Oh I still experience normal lows that we all experience from time to time. Antidepressants have not made me numb against all feelings. Actually the contrary has happened, antidepressants allow me to experience the wide range of emotions without being overwhelmed by them. Whereas before I took antidepressants I used to suppress all feelings, good and bad, so that I could survive somehow. I am no longer totally consumed by paralysing negative feelings.


I live in the present and look towards the future. Since I have my depression under control with the help of antidepressants I have lifted my head from the ground and noticed the little things in life that make it so enjoyable, such as a bird singing in the tree. I have thrown off the shackles of public opinion and decided that if Scientists have spent decades and millions to find a medication that will help me live a more fulfilled life then why should I not take it?



Note: Talk to your doctor about antidepressants and make sure he or she explains the possible side effects in detail. Some side effects, such as nausea or light-headedness, usually only last until the body gets used to the medication. Antidepressants take a couple of weeks to work at full capacity so don’t be discouraged if you don’t feel better immediately.