How to treat us when we are depressed…

Partners, family members and friends are often at a loss as to how to treat someone who is going through a depressive episode. It often seems that everything they say or do is the wrong thing. And we don’t help much either by withdrawing into silence or becoming irritated and snapping at everybody around us. Is it little wonder that our families feel like they have to walk on eggshells when one of “those moods” hits us. It is not unusual for these bouts of depression to keep reoccurring for years and it is understandable that our loved ones can at times resent our suffering, which they also have to endure indirectly. Someone once told me that my depression has been going on for so long that they are sick and tired of it and it was about time I got over it. Maybe not the most empathetic remark, but it does demonstrate how exasperating depression can be for those around us.

We know better what we don’t want. We don’t want to be told that we should “snap out of it”, because believe me, if we could “snap out of it” we definitely would. It is no fun being in a depressive episode. It is not the best time to bring up relationship issues and how we are failing in our support and duties. We know all too well where our shortcomings are and we reprimand ourselves often enough for them. You don’t have to pour oil on the fire. It is also not a good idea to compare us to others and then be told how well they are coping in similar maybe even worse circumstances. Everybody’s coping mechanism is different. Some can take anything life throws at them, others struggle with every new challenge. Most of all we don’t want to be isolated and treated as if we had some kind of contagious disease. Please don’t withdraw your love and presence.

So what do we want when we are depressed? What do we expect from others? The simple answer is that most of the time we don’t know either what we want or what would help us. We want closeness, yet we still want distance. A hug never goes astray. We want love, affection, but we don’t want someone gushing all over us. A walk in the neighbourhood or along the beach would give us a chance to sort out our thoughts. Or just lying down with us and talk about trivial things could help us to shift our focus outwards. However, we want to be allowed to feel our down feelings without being made to feel guilty. We want acknowledgement that this is hard and that - although it may not look like it - we are doing our best. Just being there, giving us company while we are dealing with our demons helps a lot. A small gesture of reassurance that shows us we are still loved and wanted goes a long way too. And telling us that you are not giving up on us, even if we are, makes us aware that there is something to live for and life is still precious. We need to feel that someone is close enough to catch us when we fall.


When I am in a depressive episode I often seek the company of my pets. My cat just sits there with me, purring and being close without crowding me and supporting me with silence. In her presence I can let go of the anguish, I can cry out my pain, let the tears flow if I have any left. I don’t need to feel ashamed or that I have to put on a brave face. Her look of compassion tells me that she understands and she will wait patiently with me for however long it takes for me to go through my inner darkness and start to climb up again.

I often think that the people could learn a lot from their animals.